I knew two things that bothered me about the new Christmas John Lewis advert straight away. I don't even have to think about it any more - it's more of an instinct, as if I've tuned into to some cosmic understanding of advertising and I can see the code running through it. John Lewis clearly adopts the position that if something ain't broke it's not worth fixing it and, while it may not actually be powered by an algorithm, you could shade it in with varying degrees of mawkishness, children, snow, animals and general naffness.

A penguin; a bear; a snowman; an old man; a cute kid - and now a dog on a trampoline. Every year sees a new (often computer-generated) focus of sad/happy sentiment.

But back to those two things in 2016's Christmas John Lewis advert. The first is that it's pretty much a straight rip of popular internet meme that features, er, a boxer dog on a trampoline. I can't vouch for himn being called Boxer, but he might as well be. There used to be an advertising blog called Copycunts that called out this sort of stealing inspiration-taking, but I don't think it goes anymore, so I'm doing the job.

Secondly, all those CGI animals. I know that we all love animals and we like to pretend they live in a Wind In The Willows-style fantasyland where they're all mates and roll meatballs at one another and sound like Billy Crsytal and David Jason but... they're not.

The urbanisation afforded by a couple of shots here - the naughty foxes appearing for a nighttime frolic and a phone box glimpsed in the background - seem too deliberate to be accidental here. It's like John Lewis is trying to say 'we're for everyone really - as long as you don't mind paying £25 for a flavoured olive oil giftset'.

But this thing about animals. Humans destroy animals; they destroy the places animals live. Christmas, shopping, huge warehouses, massive lorries - few of thee things are good news for animals. When I see Christmas John Lewis advert in which one of their trucks squashes a badger flat on the road in one of their patented festive messages I'll print my approval.

I don't hate Christmas. I love Christmas, but I don't need a supermarket to fire a starting pistol for me and tell me how I'm supposed to feel about it. Imagine Theresa May, with her haunted headteacher stare, broadcasting a 100-second party political broadcast telling you sternly to enjoy Christmas and vote Conservative. That's what it's like. Imagine Tony Blair frowning into the camera with his cold, dead, shark-like eyes and telling you he's not a war criminal and, by the way, merry Christmas. Imagine Nigel Farage. Just imagine him, the little shit. Ugh.

We live in an age where, apparently, we don't like people telling us what to do. Unless that involves a department store using a computer-generated animal to make you go shopping and post soppy scrap all over Facebook celebrating your compliance with an advertising message.

Go on, do your duty. Go and share the John Lewis advert on Facebook like the dutiful consumers you are.

The post Christmas John Lewis Advert 2016 appeared first on AdTurds.

Aww, Christmas adverts. Snowmen and buying your loved on a woolly jumper and gorging yourself all the way to Type-II Diabetes. At a time when John Carpenter's iconic 80s sci-fi/action film They Live! is gaining traction as a meme I'm here to remind you that Christmas adverts are there to convince you to consume more, conform more, buy more - and burn the whole fucking planet in the meantime.

You know the score. No cooing from me. No gurgling at the latest John Lewis mood music. Send me the ghosts of Victor Kiam, PG Tips chimps and Barry Scott - there'll no no Christmas spirit for me where Christmas ads are concerned.

They're not harmless and they're not just a bit of fun. They're just one of the nicer-looking cogs in the system everyone apparently despises. It's one of the prevailing modern mysteries that people rail against experts, elites and the European Union while adverts for massive multinational companies get a free pass, because LOL.

I don't hate Christmas. But I'm not fond of Christmas adverts. These are the ones that caught my eye this time around: the best, the worst, the most sickeningly awful. You can vote for your favourite below.

2016 Christmas Adverts

Argos Christmas Advert

Bonus points for the soundtrack - but a load of multicoloured skating yeti? It's pretty striking I guess but, as ever with Argos adverts, it can't help but say 'expensive' and 'cheap' at the same time.

Aldi Christmas Advert

The preponderance of all-CGI adverts these days doesn't do a lot for me - they just conjure up an image of a speccy 3D animator sitting in a windowless room in front of three massive iMac screens. Good old Kevin The Carrot.

Asda Christmas Advert

Nothing encapsulates to stupid wastefulness of the modern Christmas more than the buying of crapulous Christmas jumpers to be worn for one day and then discarded. Needless to say they're not all made by elves in Lapland either: a recent report found that plenty of high-street knitwear was made by people in third-world countries who were regularly 'beaten, threatened, stripped of their rights and imprisoned on false charges'. Merry Christmas!

B&M

If your modus operandi is 'we sell cheap shit' then I guess it stands to reason your advert reeks of it.

Boots Christmas Advert

Boots have been doing Christmas adverts pretty well for a few years now, ducking the sad/happy, snow'n'food clusterfucks and focusing on real people and doing something nice for them. Set against the food-and-stuff orgies Christmas is often presented as, it can't help but come across well.

Currys PC World

Yeah, OK, I'll buy this. Unlike a not-dissimilar Littlewoods advert from a few years ago I think this is sending itself up. 'Just so you know' is a nice little pay-off too. The idea of stepping foot into a Currys PC World store at any time of the year makes me nauseous, mind.

Debenhams Christmas Advert

Jennifer Saunders, Ewan McGregor, Billie Piper, Bruno Tonioli (?) and Mel Giedroyc join forces to lend their voices to a heartening story of buying stuff. I quite like these Debenhams spots and they look and sound lovely - but the execution is just slightly off somehow. Still, it sounds so lovely by the end of it I nearly had a stalk-on.

DFS Christmas advert

Nothing says 'Christmas is over; now it's five days dreading going back to work and loathing yourself over how much you've eaten and drunk' like a trip to a slushy sofa warehouse on an industrial estate to see if there are any cheap suites. Hence this adverts, I guess, which uses some lovely Aardman animation to make something almost quite nice. But I just can't buy into it: I don't think I've ever had a delivery of anything that hasn't been a ballache and I'd list 'buying a sofa' somewhere between 'trying to claim disability allowance' and 'clearing out drains' in my list of things I'd like to do.

Ebay Christmas Advert

Jesus, just look at the shite they're advertising here. Still this ploughs a winning Inbetweeners furrow and is pleasingly cynical. The 'Christmas disco' angle is pretty oddly specific but this feels like a more honest advert that has a good chance of connecting with its target audience. No CGI animals in sight either.

House of Fraser Christmas Advert

This is fucking horrible.

John Lewis Christmas Advert Christmas Advert

John Lewis kills Santa, with help from a CGI dog ripped off from the internet.

Littlewoods Christmas Advert

Littlewoods seems to have gone out its way in recent years to make the most offensively consumerist adverts of all. It's still at it here with a montage of a family tooling up with the shit they've bought each other (on 0% credit, of course). But it's inoffensive enough - at least compared to previous efforts - and doesn't feature piano-bothering Tory harpy Myleene Klass. So it can't be all bad.

Marks & Spencer Christmas Advert

Dear Christ, how much money was spunked on this? There are porn stars who have been spunked on less than this.

Morrisons Christmas Advert

Wreath, tree, snow, presents, wooly hats, icing sugar, decorations, mince pies, turkey, Christmas dinner, board games, paper hats. CHECK. Though I do think Morrisons have got it right with everyone's favourite comforting northern voice in the shape of Paul Copley.

Not On The High Street Christmas advert

A debut effort from 'power-to-the-people' indie champions Not On The High Street here, which plays up its 'real people make this stuff' angle by casting them as elves from around the country. I also like the battered blue Ford Trannie van.

Sainsbury's Christmas advert

Well, where to start. The first thing to notice here is that James Corden is singing - singing - this quite dreadful song. It's as if Sainsbury's were so desperate to use Corden (as must all broadcasters, by law, in 2016) they crowbarred him into voicing the song, just so they could generate a few more column inches in The Daily Mail and Sun. Corden's singing is, it must be said, pretty bad - he sounds like a man doing his best after being forced into an involuntary rendition after his first three singing lessons, operating at the limits of his vocal cords. Only one who got a million quid for his efforts.

What I dislike most about this is how depressing the whole thing is. The only way the Dad in this advert can briefly escape from his miserable existence is by replacing himself with a nodding dog, proving that he is both horribly overworked and job-insecure, but also so utterly insignificant that no-one notices he isn't there.

What a troubling parable for our time: a zero-hours, anxiety-attack, gnawing-insecurity Christmas carol for Brexiting austerity Britain. Cold comfort too, no doubt, for the Sainsbury's employees who have to be at work for 6am on Boxing Day.

Tesco Christmas Advert

You can't have your cake and eat it Tesco. As ever Miller and Jones are engaging and the script rides a fine line between kitchen-sink reality and sitcom humour, but it kinda works. I can't hate it - even if I think it's got a bloody nerve.

TK Maxx Christmas Advert

There's a nice bait-and-switch here that makes sense. TK Maxx just can't compete with the big names - and probably shouldn't even be trying. So subverting expectations and disrupting the traditional Christmas snorefests isn't a bad idea. Works pretty well too, even if the lasting feeling is vague unease.

Toys R Us Christmas Advert

I think the value in the Toys R Us jingle lies in its nostalgia value: a hefty dose of 'when I was a kid' and the fuzzy animation. Update it and it loses a lot of its charm, especially when you realise it's just not a very good piece of music. 'There's millions, says Geoffrey, all under on roof'. What? I do wish they'd include the forgotten third verse, however, if only to see the baffled faced on today's kids.

"Books Boardgames and Bikes
Teddies, Puppets and Dolls
Bats, Spaceships and Trikes..."

Very.co.uk Christmas Advert

I like the sentiment - that giving is quite a nice thing to do - but I'm not convinced that a gig-economy-fuelled online shopping service is a particularly festive notion.

Waitrose Christmas Advert

When I was a child I thought I had a new affinity with robins. Because my name is Robin. Sadly this isn't true, but I do have an affinity with wildlife. I'm in the RSPB and BTO and a lot of charitable donations of mine go towards supporting wildlife. You know who doesn't support wildlife? Supermarkets. Agriculture.

If we're not careful we'll end up in a situation where the only wild birds we see are CGI efforts on Christmas adverts. It's enough to make you weep into a Waitrose mince pie.

Vote for your favourite Christmas advert

Favourites? You tell me. I'll take is as read the answer 'none of the above' will feature.

Christmas adverts of old

Refresh your memories of the best and worst Christmas adverts – sob pitifully at advertising or enrage yourself to vein-throbbing standards – of previous years.

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2015

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2014

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2013

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2012

Best and Worst Xmas Ads of 2011

The post Best And Worst TV Christmas Adverts 2016 appeared first on AdTurds.

I've managed to distil all the worst things of 2016 into a short few-hundred words. Let's take it for granted that Farage, Mensch, Trump and all those other cunts are already burning in AdTurds' vision of Hell.

Saying Die Hard is a Christmas Film

Look, even if you think Die Hard qualifies as a Christmas film, the harsh reality of the situation is that no-one apart from you and 127,000 other 34-year-old men give a flying fuck. If you want to watch Die Hard, go and watch Die Hard. The rest of the world gives not one shit about whether you watch it or not, or wether people they've never met consider it a Christmas film.

I find the persistence of this meme across social media a vaguely passive-aggressive attempt for white middle-aged men (of which I am am one, yes) to reclaim some meagre crumb of control over their cultural life. In a world where we men are oppressed by X Factors, Gilmore Girls and soaps operas, insisting that Die Hard Is A Christmas Film and typing Ho-Ho-Ho Now I Have A Machine Gun into Facebook is the modern man's cultural Brexit vote: a tragedy that is both slight and colossal.

Undertaking

I should qualify this: I mean people who undertake on motorways, not people who bury the dead. Undertaking is such a bugbear for me because it's a touchstone for uncivil society. Our world only works if people observe a thousand minute rules every time they leave the house: holding a door open for the next person that comes through, putting litter in bins, returning your glasses to the bar when you leave the pub, finishing off your latest Tindr hook-up before you sheepishly leave.

There are hundreds, thousands, perhaps more of these micro-virtues and if everyone does them the world works a little better and everyone goes home a little happier. Reverse the situation - because you can't be arsed, want to gain some incremental advantage over your fellow human or, more prosaically, you're a cunt and our world simply cannot function.

Where this is most obvious is on the road, somewhere I spent a lot of time as I earn my crust. If you don't observe the rules - both formal and informal - here then there's a chance that other people will die. Driving through red lights, tailgating, cutting up and undertaking are both more prevalent on the roads than they ever have been before. They're all tiny little expressions of someone's belief that they are more important than you and they should be able to do whatever they want in prosecuting that belief. It's an infinitesimal microcosm of a world that seemed suddenly darker, more dangerous and fundamentally more cuntish than it had been before.

Adam Hills

I immediately feel a little guilty here because Adam Hills is probably a very nice man. But he's the person I associate most with the concept of 'hot takes' - an instinctive, vituperative reaction to news or events that distinguishes itself by generally being wholly uninformed and written by a football team's worth of jobbing comics in time for Channel 4s latest bash at a topical talk show.

But hot takes are for morons. It's shorthand for the way that we now value emotional responses over facts, logic and reason. Hot takes are designed for Instagram, Vine, Snapchat... a social network invention for the terminally short-of-imagination who would prefer to receive rhetorical expressions of approval, disgust or anger instead of something as boring as knowledge, information or analysis. In a world where we make a virtue out of ignorance perhaps we shouldn't be surprised. If ignorance is bliss, a hot take is a cheap and unfulfilling orgasm.

Laura Kuenssberg

I need to qualify this immediately by distancing myself from the silly petitions against the BBC Political Editor than sprung up throughout the year, carrying a nasty whiff of misogyny. What made the petitions and the misogyny worse is that there are clearly valid criticisms of Kuenssberg, who has taken the Westminster-gossip-as-politics model to a new level, even within the rarified atmospheres of the London media.

I'm not sure whether she recognises it or not, but the kind of tittle-tattle that journalists like Kuenssberg thrive on (I'm an addict, I admit it) has been weaponised by politicians and right-wing media to degrade political opponents. As such they've become pawns in a larger game, doing the bidding of David Cameron, Rupert Murdoch and Paul Dacre. They've played a vital role in perpetuating the corrosive idea that 'they're all the same' - it's paved the way for a total collapse in public faith in politics. And that's horribly dangerous. This utter failure of the BBC as a medium for informing and educating was exposed badly by the EU referendum, when even George Osborne reported that he understood the debate only 'slightly or not at all' in a poll on the cluelessness of the British public on Europe.

There's a smirk on the faces of people like Kuenssberg - David Dimbleby, John Humphrys and Jeremy Paxman are also guilty - that betrays how much of a game it is to them. 2016 delivered a message that journalists should heed: politics is not a game for most.

Banter

Invented in 2009, banter is now everywhere. What's very noticeable about it is that it's gained a formal currency. Look at any business aimed at young men - soft porn, sport, betting et al - and they reek of banter. It's a stench of Rustlers burgers, Carling and casual sexism. "Just banter" is the new "I was only following orders" - a catch-all term used to disguise a multitude of sins. Including a rich white man grabbing women 'by the pussy' and forcing himself on them. Banter, apparently. That's hypernormalisation for you I guess.

Look. I like banter. I actually invented the idea of 'banter credit' - that indefinable phenomenon whereby some people can get away banter and some can't. Think of some people you know: consider the person who can say anything with a smile on their face and get away with it; consider another who draws only frowns of opprobrium with the weakest dig. Banter credit.

But banter has been the delivery method for new forms of bigotry to take root - and I don't like it. If you tell racist jokes, make fun of peoples' sexuality or do gags about rape it's not banter. It's being a cunt.

The Daily Mail

The word 'Nazi' has lost its currency these days but there was a time, not so long ago, when to be thought of as espousing the same sort of views as old One-Ball himself would have been greeted with some typically British stiff-upper-lips and a straight right to the chin of Fritz. It's become clear that we Brits can no longer claim that moral high ground. The best example of this? The Daily Mail, a newspaper so horrible in its views that Adolf Hitler would put out a statement disavowing its support (for all we know he might have - it did support him after all).

It's very easy to write off the Mail as parodic or even beyond parody. And it's too easy to laugh at it. Lots of people who are reading it are not laughing. Lots of people who read newspapers like the Mail, Sun, Express and even the Telegraph - going as bonkers as one of the foaming old loons who typically reads it in its dotage - believe there's nothing wrong with refugees drowning in the sea or brown people being spat on in the streets, or women who were born in Rochdale being told to 'go home'.

Almost exclusively they're owned and written by rich white people. Elites, you could say. They're steadily tearing down everything that is still 'Great' about Britain for their own perverted ends and it's a fucking tragedy. These newspapers are growing bolder every day and seeping pure poison into the minds of the people who read them. Vicious, horrible poison vented against people of different race, sexuality and gender. It's time to stop to laughing at The Daily Mail and call it what it is.

The Canary

The right doesn't have a monopoly on insane, fact-free clickbait. At first I saw The Canary as a useful attack dog to counter the insane propaganda of the Tory press and its many outriders in the blogosphere. But it quickly became apparent that fact and truth are subordinate to the need to generate clicks for The Canary.

Only so many times can you see a headline about Jeremy Corbyn 'destroying' May or Cameron at the despatch box before you realise anyone involved in writing it is either utterly dishonest or barking mad. You might think its heart is in the right place - I take the view that websites like The Canary share the blame for the legions of self-satisfied Corbyn clicktivists who are desperate to ensure the useless Conservative government never has an effective opposition ever again.

Coffee

Coffee is perhaps the best example of the normalisation of insanity in our modern life. The other day I went into one of these post-modern gas chambers to get a cup of coffee and blurted out - for reasons I can't explain - that I wanted a 'medium'-sized cup of coffee. A carton made of stuff that won't biodegrade for forty billion years containing five quarts of boiling hot water that tasted very slightly of coffee was duly handed over to me. In exchange I forked out something like four pounds. Four pounds. You can buy a human being for that amount of money in certain parts of Kent.

Spend about four pounds on a jar of coffee from any supermarket and you can probably enjoy something like 100 cups of coffee. What's the actual cost of a spoonful of coffee and some hot water? Five pence? If a sandwich shop opened up and start charging the best part of 100 times the cost of the raw ingredients of an egg-and-cress sandwich would we buy it? The usual rhetorical answer is no, of course we wouldn't. But ten years ago we'd say the same thing about coffee, tea, a pint of beer...

Coffee is a metaphor in 2016 for how we're complicit in making the extraordinary normal. One day we'd recoil at the idea of paying the equivalent of half-an-hour's work for some bad coffee, or seven pounds for a pint of overly sweet lager; nowadays we won't. Once upon a time we wouldn't allow ourselves to be hoodwinked by charlatans, liars, racists and pussy-grabbers...

These bands

Blossoms, Jake Bugg, Mumford & Sons, Kodaline, Ed Sheeran, Catfish and the Bottlemen, Coldplay - music for people who would shit themselves if they heard an Iggy Pop album.

These TV programmes and films

Game Of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Star Wars, Deadpool, Suicide Squad, X-Factor. Go and read a fucking book.

These restaurants

Nando's, Burger King, McDonalds, Wagamama, Turtle Bay, Domino's, Starbucks, Subway, Costa, Cafe Rouge, KFC, Byron, Jamie's Italian, Yo Sushi, Las Iguanitas. Burgers; fries; slaw; anything pulled. Like going through life thinking your first fuck is as good as it gets.

The post The Worst Things Of 2016 appeared first on AdTurds.

Where is the Tesco advert son? The words on the lips of literally every man, woman and child in the country. Have Ruth Jones and Ben Miller (NOT Rob Brydon everyone!) killed him? Yes, that is the literally the only explanation. They've killed him and they're renting his room out on AirBnB.

Poor old Will Close (43), the actor in question, was no doubt marched into one of those little rooms in Tesco where shoplifters go and given the bullet. By which I mean they let him go following a pretty vicious shoeing on social media. I'm sure they didn't actually kill him. I mean they wouldn't. Would they?

It's worth pointing out - in answer to a million questions on social media that the son (Freddie) was supposed to represent 'a 'boomerang' child back living with parents in his 20s'. Fair enough. Then again it's also worth pointing out, at the launch of the campaign, Tesco believed there was a 'latent love of the brand' and that it had 'permission to be be funny'. Well, keep trying Tesco because you haven't succeeded thus far.

Anyway, it's fair to say his absence hasn't gone unnoticed. Not in an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' sort of way either. While viewers were no doubt pleased to see the back of the Inbetweeners-via-80s-sitcom idiot son, it's raised a few eyebrows that his parents haven't even bothered inviting him around for Christmas dinner in the latest set of adverts.

Incidentally, television viewers aren't merely wondering where the 'Tesco son' has got to. No, no. There's all manner of weird and wonderful prefixes being deployed over on Twitter.

What becomes clear very quickly is that lots of people thought the actor too old to be playing the character in questions. And that many thought he was supposed to be cognitively impaired - to the point where one viewer vents his anger of the parents' 'negligence' for 'taking no medical action over their mentally ill son'. And, more prosaically, they hated his guts. Here are just a few examples (for what it's worth I called him a dopey Millennial):

• weird man-child son
• gormless...son?
• idiot son
• incredibly annoying son
• the twat son
• annoying fuck of a son
• the fucking idiot son
• retarded son
• weird gimp son
• annoying little cunt of a son

And what they said about him:

• Is the son in the Tesco advert mentally challenged?
• I seriously hate the son in the tesco advert
• Would love to hang , draw and quarter that twat from the Tesco advert
• the worst character ever created than an ad agency. Worse than the BT creep.
• The whole weird son thing is unsettling
• worst comedy character of all time
• Is he supposed to be their son with learning difficulties or something? Shocking
• Is the son on the Tesco advert meant to be 'special' or is he an older guy playing someone meant to be younger?
• dont get the new tesco advert is the son backwards or what
• the 'son' is just terrible, & he's about 35?
• is it trying to be funny or does he have a difficulty? Where is his support worker?
• Some of the worst acting I've seen since Simon off corrie

And some theories about what's happened to him:

• disowned
• killed off
• kicked out
• blatantly murdered
• chained up in the garage
• committed
• erased from existence

Finally a prediction for the next Tesco advert:

• Did I miss the Tesco advert where they are discussing the price of pork pies at the wake for their incredibly annoying son?

Now that would make me laugh.

The post Missing, Presumed Dead: The Tesco Advert Son appeared first on AdTurds.

The Worst Adverts of 2016 then. Does anyone care? Among a whole world seemingly collapsing in on itself adverts might seem small beer. But one of my theories about why everything's going to Hell in a handcart is that we can't make sense of the world around us.

Fake news, lies and liars are the predominant phenomena of 2016. When we can't understand what is happening and why it makes sense that idiot certainties have a certain appeal.

There's lots of blame to apportion here with advertising seemingly a long way down the list. But advertising's playbook has been ripped off wholesale by politicians in 2016: exaggeration, omission, hyperbole, boastfulness, appeals to instincts and urges - and outright fabrications.

The last ten years of adverts have taught us that people remember stuff they hate - so politicians and newspapers did the obvious thing and told us to hate people, places, things. Thanks for nothing advertising.

In that spirit advertising appears as sinister to me as it ever did. I see no cartoon dogs, friendly celebs and companies who have our best interests at heart. I see the gears of the whole perverted system grinding along, powering the whole sorry affair on and on until we've spent every last quid and raped every last natural resource.

I've already dealt with the worst things of 2016. In that same spirit here's the longlist for the worst adverts of 2016. Who will it be? The Admiral? The 'Fantastic!" Go Compare cabbie? The risible Diet Chef advert? Before we go any further I should probably point out to those of a nervous disposition that James Corden features twice. It's up to you to choose the absolute nadir at the bottom of the article.

The Worst Adverts of 2016

MoneySupermarket EpicDanceOff adverts

Whoever makes the MoneySupermarket adverts doesn't seem aware of the fact they stumbled across a winning advert purely by chance. After many years of complete duffers the sight of a man with a magic arse stalking down the road was a rare, vaguely uncanny hit. Like the office dick who has stumbled randomly across a witticism, only to repeat it forevermore, MoneySupermarket persists with these 'epic something' ads in much the same way a drunk would return to an empty whiskey bottle. They're fucking shit, MoneySupermarket, and everyone hates them. #Epicshite

M&Ms Advert

I hate the Pixarification, the Billy Crystal bastardisation of virtually any American animation - and I hate that we're forced fed this sugary gak because it's like smack for children. I'd like to crush these dopey, Disneyfied, Yank-ish and wholly unloveable cartoonish pricks in a vice until their delicious, brittle carapaces splinter into a million pieces.

Gaz and Leccy advert

Yes Gaz and Leccy are annoying. They're from the same kiddified animation playbook and that's pretty patronising. But I honestly think the thing most people find so infuriating is that it's such a shit pun. Just like Pan'n'Fern - the hapless women crowbarred into the Planitherm advert - it simply doesn't work. Gaz, Ok I can just about work with that. But Leccy?

Gaz: Hello, my name is Gaz. I'm some gas.
Leccy. Oh, OK. I'm some electricity.
Gaz: Right, what's your name then? Tricia? Ric?
Leccy: No my name is... Leccy.
Gaz: Leccy? Your name is Leccy? What's that short for?
Leccy: It's short for Electricity.
Gaz: But... that's not even a name.
Leccy. I know (sobbing). IT'S NOT EVEN A NAME!

If there's one thing guaranteed to stink like a fart under a duvet it's bad wordplay. For shame, Smart Energy GB.

Oak Furniture Land

Just one tiny example of how misleading people became just another tool in the arsenal of cuntery in 2016 was when Oak Furniture Land got its knuckles rapped for claiming there was no veneer in its products. In fact Oak Furniture Land has made the following claims in its advertising:

“No veneer in ‘ere“;
“Solid hardwood“;
“100% solid hardwood furniture“;
“100% Solid“;
“All of our cabinet furniture is made from 100% solid hardwood from top to toe; veneer, plywood and chipboard are never used”.

The ASA didn't agree, saying that some of the material used in Oak Furniture Land products 'functioned as a veneer'. Which poses rather a problem for Oak Furniture Land, which has been making hay with this message via its two characters which are actually called Oak and Acorn. They really are. I know, I know.

Still, I rather suspect the reason for readers' annoyance when it comes to these adverts is that they're fucking enraging in their ubiquity and chirpy soundtrack. As far as their wares go, if you want your home to look like a middling hotel chain that went through an inexpensive refurb five years ago, who am I to judge?

Nationwide Poem Adverts

I have nothing against poetry. It's not my favourite medium but I'd challenge you to read Houseman, Hughes or Larkin without feeling something stir within you. Great poetry is startlingly beautiful. By the same token bad poetry is as deleterious as it gets. Plonk it unceremoniously in the awkward mouths of street youfs and you have a recipe for disaster. Nothing against Isadora and her poem about keys but Jesus Christ.

Diet Chef advert

An advert so horribly inept it was banned by the Advertising Standards Authority on the basis that it was 'really fucking rubbish'.

Confused.com Mr Greenlight advert

In which 'insufferable cunt' James Corden (as described by one AdTurds reader) is amazed when some traffic lights change colour. The fact that the soundtrack to this advert is a song by a man who was killed it a car crash sums up the blithe vacuity of the whole enterprise.

Jacob's Cracker Crisps advert

Ironic try-hard juxtaposition catastrophe.

AO Talent Show advert

"The votes are in; its not good news" was pretty much the watch-word for the year. But even a world where Donald Trump is President is more attractive that this grisly focus-grouped idea of multinational Brits brought together by a talent show. And then someone throws a chicken on the table, just to communicate that no-one ever had the slightest investment in this crap idea in the first place and random poultry can't exactly make it any worse.

Flash singing dog advert

Seriously. How long was spent on making this advert? Just in case you're too busy dry heaving to take any notice, this constitutes the best bits of the lyrics in this advert:

"Where the hell has all the mud gone? I'm sure there was lots of mud. I shook off lots of mud. Where has the mud gone?"

Throw in a CGI dog and Queen's Flash and you have a pitiful car crash that has forced talented voice actors, CGI renderers and that poor actress into a 30-second criminal act that can only be the result of a game of Cluedo and Bowie songwriting technique unceremoniously buggering one another.

"Err, a dog, some mud, the soundtrack from camp 1908s space opera film Flash Gordon and one of the chessboard rolls of vinyl. What can we do with that?"

The answer is not just one of the worst adverts of the year but a music and lyrical journey only matched in its childish ineptitude by the last Catfish and the Bottlemen album.

Sainsbury's Christmas advert

One of the worst pieces of music I've heard since the last Coldplay album, sung incredibly badly by James Corden, described by one AdTurds reader as an 'irritating sack of shit'. It's also worth noting that this advert lamenting the prioritisation of work over family life is promoting Sainsbury's, whose stores were open on Boxing Day from 9am. How's that for a modern morality tale?

Go Compare Fantastic adverts

I know that these luvaduck cor-blimey UKIP-and-fry-up people probably exist, but do we really need them spewing their elongated vowels all over the telly? Why the beatific gurgling noise, as if he's discharging his dreadful cabbie semen over a Page 3 girl's tits? It's clear now that we will never be free of Gio Compario - just like you're never really free of sensitive skin, bad knees or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Very Not Fantastic.

Andrex advert

I don't know why Andrex keeps ploughing this, er, crevice. A hideous confluence of sickly kid cutesiness and someone asking you how you feel when you wipe your arse. Why does Andrex persist in making us feel nauseous?

Just Eat adverts

The Just Eat advert is less of an earworm and more of an earparasite. Don't expect to be free of it any time soon.

Admiral advert

Frankly a misfire that is astonishing even for advertising. The Admiral advert is an absolute horrorshow of what happens when something goes wrong and no-one can stop it. (PS. Here's a bonus AdTurd about The Admiral's very after-hours encounter with her employee Tom.

Halifax Top Cat advert

It's very much in keeping with modern times that mortgages are advertised by a stray animal that is famous for living in a bin. Along with the Flintstones efforts - complete with appalling impression - it struck a new low in the best part of two decades worth of truly terrible Halifax adverts.

Vote: Worst Adverts of 2016

Vote for your worst adverts of 2016 here. But think carefully - you can only choose one...

The post The Worst Adverts Of 2016 : Vote appeared first on AdTurds.

Let's get this out the way: I don't much care for Queen. Radio Ga-Ga, Somebody To Love and Under Pressure can go toe-to-toe with any tune out there, but for my money Queen yo-yos between novelty band and embarrassing Dadrock.

But that doesn't mean I approve of the ongoing pillaging of the Queen back catalogue by whoever waves a big enough cheque at whoever holds the rights to what's probably one of the most lucrative bodies of work in Western music. A body of work crammed full of catchy hooks, memorable choruses and quotable lyrics, just waiting for some vast mechanised system to come along and greedily hoover them up and spit them out covered in shit.

In fact - and I'm looking at you Dacia and Flash - it's one of the most egregious things I can think of. Whenever I see these adverts all I can think of is someone gleefully pissing straight in the faces of the people who love this music: the sort of casual disrespect of someone knocking the heads off your daffodils for shits and giggles.

Just image your favourite band's music being forcefully taken up the bum without so much as a smear of vaseline, just so some crap car or chemically pap manages to get a single clawhold in your head in the very unlikely chance that you might vaguely considering buying one (or some).

Those songs that make you smile, make you cry. They might remind you of your cherished childhood, of your first (or lost) love. Schooldays, holidays. Maybe a departed friend or relative. Music is a constant companion and the power of a favoured song by a much-loved band can transcend most other experiences in the right place and right time. We celebrate to it; weep to it. It unites us and allows us to tune into a shred empathy more than perhaps any other experience in life. Music is brilliant and it is beautiful.

And then an advertiser comes along, takes that thing that you love and treasure and turns it against you. Not only is that music roughly wrestled from your grasp, it's perverted and transformed into something awful by advertising. And it's no mistake. Making you hate these adverts isn't some unintentional by-product: it's purely, coldly and cruelly deliberate.

Let's say you open the door to me. I introduce myself and then hand you a tenner, make my farewell and head off into the night. You'd remember that.

Now image that you open the door to me, I introduce myself to you then slap you in the face. Guess which one you'd find more memorable.

Now - and here's what the likes of Flash and Dacia are doing in this metaphor - image I introduce myself to you then explain that I've tattooed Donald Trump's horrible hate-contorted visage on the face of your partner. Imagine when you ask why I would do such a thing I shrug a and say this: "So you'll never gorget the moment when I ruined something you loved forever, just so you'd remember it".

That's what Procter & Gamble did when it Oked this Flash advert. And it's what Renault did when it OKed this Dacia advert. Not because they hate they you, not because they want to ruin music for you.

Because anything and everything that can be used against you - love, hate, fear, insecurity, hope and nostalgia - will be used against you if someone thinks it can be used to sell you something.

I don't have the words for how utterly abysmal both of these adverts are. They're so bad I'm sure it can only be deliberate, because the worse they are the more impactful they are. In this way advertising ensures that, sooner or later, all of our treasured music, films, actors and stories will be chewed up and spat out in the hope of ring-fencing a minute speck of your brain so that, the next time you're in Tesco, some unknown impulse makes you pick up a bottle of chemical detergent and put it into your trolley.

• Hate the Flash Advert? Then strike back on Twitter by using the Flash-designated hashtag and tweeting something insulting, scatalogical or plain foul-mouthed alongside it, such as:

I hate the #Flashdog Flash adverts that use the Queen song and I will never buy any @ProcterGamble products while it's on television

The more swearwords the better, I'd imagine. Good luck.

The post Crimes Against Music: Flash, Dacia Queen Adverts appeared first on AdTurds.

If you dance while you're cooking I have some alarming news for you. You don't exist.

I know that's a shock to the system and you probably didn't see it coming, but I'm afraid you and your entire family don't exist, apart from in the minds of some people who live within a mile of the DLR who work in advertising.

You were dreamed up as a way of convincing people that cooking needs to be attached to some other act to make it more exciting. Like CarFucking or Sleep Learning or BathEating - because we're all too busy to do anything properly and anything we're compelled to do much be matched with some sort of leisure pursuit.

This is important because boring old food and stupid old cooking is insufficiently interesting to hold the attention of literally anyone these days. So #FoodDancing has been invented.

That's where you come in, #FoodDancer, and it's why you were dreamed up to fulfil a creative brief whose aim is to convince people to buy more kale, sausage rolls and Activia yoghurt.

But fear not, soon there will be real people who dance while cooking. So you can take some solace that your non-existence had some meaning. Soon you will be joined by, ooh, about 30 people who upload shaky portrait-orientated videos of them dancing stupidly while stirring a curry.

Those people will upload their videos to Youtube, Facebook, Snapchat or Instagram with the hashtag #FoodDancing. And somewhere in London some people will make a note of this and make a PowerPoint then show it to someone who works at Sainsbury's who, in turn, will hand over a cheque for three million pounds.

So you see, while I understand that this is existentially terrifying for you, your non-existence wasn't in vain. As you dissolve in nothingness try to be comforted by the fact that your fleeting life wasn't completely wasted. And you inspired a vast social movement that encouraged people to fail around their kitchens a Sainsbury's read-meal slowly rotates in a microwave.

What Sainsbury's says

Filmed in real kitchens all across Britain, this captures people experiencing the simple pleasure of dancing whilst cooking. Whatever your particular style of dancing, however you like to cook, that moment when you’re sizzling and jiggling away to a tune, that’s living well.

Sainsbury's worked with UK Hip Hop artist MysDiggi, who incidentally had his first job at Sainsbury’s, to create a bespoke track and music video showcasing Britain Food Dancing.

The post Sainsbury’s Food Dancing Advert: #FoodDancing appeared first on AdTurds.

Well. I didn't see that coming. You can add the victory of the MoneySupermarket Strutters in the poll to find the worst advert of 2016 to Brexit and Trump. Somehow the advert has ended up feeling the worst of that shitty triumvirate, though arguably it's less likely to cause the end of human existence as we know it.

The meerkats have settled into a sort of low-level 'it's-never-going-away-deal-with-it' humadruzz; GoCompare regenerates every month or so in an effort to find a new non-lethal weapon designed to make you purge your stomach and void your bowels; Confused.com has thrown its no-inconsiderable weight behind the not-inconsiderable weight of James Corden.

They're all annoying, but none of them wear it so badly as the MoneySupermarket adverts, which also display a wholly undeserved smugness. The freak hit of the EpicStrut advert has spawned a series of total duds, carpet-bombing the airwaves like the pitiful follow-up singles of an already-forgotten X-Factor winner. It's a zombie that's still alive even though all its limbs have been hacked off.

That the MoneySupermarket strutters managed to destroy a field full of debilitating, quite appalling adverts speaks of a deep loathing among the public that outpaces even faeces-packed nutribullets such as James Corden's Mr Greenlight advert, the abysmal 'children talking about wiping their bottoms; Andrex adverts, the fucking GoCompare cabbie (part-Greg Wallace, part-David Yelland, twice as abysmal) and even The Bloody Admiral.

Notable 'other' answers are included in the Wordle below, but Shpock was a common choice. It's also worth noticing that James Corden becomes the first person in the best part of a decade to attract a significant number of votes in two different adverts.

Where once banishment to a different continent once brought sweet relief, Corden seems to have become some sort of purgatorial instrument, destined to torment us in perpetuity.

The #epicwars - with strutters, builders and accountants (and random fat woman) - may have combined to create the worst advert of 2016, but it feels like Corden will abide for many, many decades.

The post The Worst Advert of 2016 appeared first on AdTurds.

Hey. Are you one of those sad bastards who climbs into bed, reads for a bit, has an occasional tommy-tank and then drifts off to sleep? If so I have some bad news. If you don't win at sleeping YOUR A TOTAL LOOSER.

Did you notice the two spelling mistakes? That's because anyone who cares about spelling or apostrophes is not WINNING AT WRITING. Full caps are also evidence of WINNING AT TYPING. Everyone knows the most important people type in full caps, drive everywhere as fast as possible and throw away half-eaten food.

One of the surest signs of being a total idiot being brilliant is to WIN AT SLEEPING. This means having a fight with your duvet, or something, and flinging around some cushions.

It's very important that sleeping is a competitive sport. So much so that it will be included in the next Olympic games when Our Brave Athletes will Make Britain Proud by furiously outsleeping other countries such as the LOOSER EU.

If you don't put on an expensive grey t-shirt before you go to bed you're not working hard enough at relaxing. You should be sanctioned and immediately lose any bed benefits, such as wearing a nose clip that costs £30.

If you don't compete with other people - or at least furniture or abstracts concepts - then how can you expect to compete for a job, Audi A3 or school place at the nearby rated-outstanding primary school? If you don't undertake, tailgate or cut up on motorways how do you expect to win at sleeping?

Life is a battle and we can't show anyone, even members of our family, the slightest mercy. Not even trees, cats or broccoli. Not astronomy, empathy, gravity, digestion nor jazz. You must defeat them all. You must win at sleeping.

But most of all you must defeat those nocturnal foes who might prevent you from winning at sleeping. Such as caffeine, the car alarm down the road and the gnawing existential fear you feel whenever you stop winning at other things like eating, walking and urinating.

Don't stop winning at things, lest the fear return. The fear that it's all for nothing, that you will die a sad, unfulfilled and empty vessel and that you know that on your death bed you'll think 'Why did I spend all that time worrying about winning stuff and being a dreadful human being?".

Eat your dinner over a bin. WIN AT EATING!

Shit all over the floor in a public convenience. Yeah! Make them clear up your human waste! WIN AT SHITTING!

Park on double-yellow lines so you can be slightly closer to the shops. WIN AT PARKING!

Be a cunt in as many aspect of your life, preferably to the detriment of other people. WIN AT CUNTING!

It is not enough to win at sleeping. Others must fail at sleeping. Only then will you have an Audi A3, own parking space and four-bedroom house.

The post Ikea Win At Sleeping Advert appeared first on AdTurds.

Have you heard that we're living in a simulation? This is a theory that has gained currency recently - embraced by real-life Bond villains like Elon Musk and smartbonces like Neil deGrasse Tyson (whose name along is surely more proof) - spurred on by WTF phenomena such as Donald Trumps, Brexit and people thinking Catfish and the Bottlemen are a good band. But all of them pale into insignificance when you consider that there's an advert for a product called VIPoo you spray into a toilet before taking a shit. The VIPoo advert is, as far as I'm concerned, indisputable evidence that we're living in a simulation.

Why? I'll tell you. The chances are that our universe is a simulation - yes, like in The Matrix - because we are now capable of running complex simulations. And when our simulation becomes sufficiently lifelike the people within that simulation will start running simulations of their own. And so on. But the odds that, out of a possibly infinite number of simulations, we are the originals is pretty unlikely.

What's more something seems to be going wrong with our own universe: Trump, Brexit, Le Pen, Ed Sheeran, Leicester City... That they have all enjoyed an unlikely success suggests that someone is meddling with our universe: a naughty toddler, a mad scientist, someone listlessly playing Sim City while lazily cracking one out to their version of Youporn. Stuff like this that is totally inexplicable is a worrying indication that we're living in a computer simulation.

Still, you'd want more proof than that before running into the streets naked, gorging yourself on Krispy Kremes and fags, and trying to shag that person you suspect fancies you at work in the bogs. Brace yourself, for I have found it.

It's this VIPoo advert and I'm going to attempt to describe it. A Hollywood starlet is at a red carpet event when she realises she has to drop off the kids in a nearby water closet. Naturally she's worried about stinking out the only unisex toilet in the building, but it's OK, she can deposit her oddly doughnut-shapped stools into a bowl that has been secured by a spray that rejoices in the name VIPoo.

Hollywood's biggest director - a man who looks like he's more than capable of releasing some massive turds, whether on celluloid or not, follows her to the lavatory, wafts some toilet smells towards his face and smiles appreciatively.

Let's pause to take this in. This is a real advert - not some 90s clip show or LOL-some internet creation. It's not an April Fool's and it's not a viral advert. It's real. And that has some serious ramifications for concepts of free will, evil and the entire foundation of science, religion, ethics and knowledge itself when you think about it.

Because if VIPoo is real, the universe is not. It's the straw that broke the camel's back, the glitch in the machine, the black cat in the room. It's absurd, it's ridiculous, it's deliriously awful. Nothing like this could happen in a rational universe.

The VIPoo advert is proof that we're living in a simulation. And even though that terrifies me on a fundamental level I can take some solace from the fact.

If I'm not real then so be it. But at least the VIPoo advert isn't real either. Or Catfish and the Bottlemen.

• NB. There is another one and if anything it's even worse. Like I said, simulation.

The post VIPoo Advert Is Proof We’re Living In A Simulation appeared first on AdTurds.

Government information films have come a long way eh? Rather than employ a continuity announcer with a familiar voice to impart instructions over some footage of someone frowning at a piece of paper we now have this: a disembodied Arnold Schwarzenegger head rolling around on a pair of tracks barking at people to decide whether to submit in a PPI claim, like Total Recall crossed with 1984 in an episode of Robot Wars.

But that's not even the weirdest thing about this advert for the Financial Conduct Authority, a quasi-governmental body (as opposed to a quasi-bodied Governor) that oversees wrongdoing in the finance industry.

Quite what a bunch of side-parted middle-aged white men in suits did when they saw this advert is an intriguing question - and probably involves an emergency pair of navy blue Marks & Spencer's suit trousers. But I digress. The most frightening thing about this is the soundtrack, quite clearly commissioned at great expense from Ennio Morricone.

Aphex Twin's entire body of work isn't as alarming as the menacing early 80s synths evident here that everyone recognises as shorthand for something very unpleasant erupting from your every orifice simultaneously. Here we're mentally prepared for the sort of jarring explosion of violence that would see bodies splattered all over the walls in the flicks the soundtrack evokes.

On top of this aural nightmarescape we have Schwarzenegger himself barking furious instructions at us: 'make a decision!'; 'come on, come on!' and 'do it nooooow!'. The combination is instantly unnerving - a shot of adrenaline on top of a Jagerbomb. Arnie has got your attention.

But there's more. It's funny. It's so wildly odd that it can't help be funny - and it's played for laughs. Instead of blowing everyone away - even while delivering bad-guy despatching one-liners - Arnold chides them for failing to decide whether they're going to make a claim for missold payment protection insurance. The effect is like someone punching you in the face while tickling you.

"Bye-bye to the PPI," sings Carnold in his ludicrous East European accent that sounds like his entire lower jaw is made from rubber bands. Then an authority figure in the shape of a stern-looking blonde, sitting incongruously behind a big desk and treating the whole situation as she might a Tuesday afternoon in the dole office

What sense can we make of this, once we get past the genuinely disturbing dissonance of the whole affair? Well, I applaud the fact that it exists. It was paid for by the 18 firms who represent over 90% of all PPI complaints over the last decade or so and I'd like to think the people heading those banks will be blowing lumps of swanburger across their TV sets when they see this FCA ad.

This is, of course, yet another example of the nostalgia mining we've seen in recent ads, including the Halifax Top Cat adverts, EpicSkeletor advert - and more evidence that your childhood is up for grabs in the world of advertising boardrooms.

But in those adverts it's wrong-headed, smug and inept. It's just X (ironic thing) + Y (horrible financial thing) = advert. This Arnie advert is so incredibly odd I can't help but to admire it. What works here is the people in the shop look genuinely alarmed and disturbed, rather like the civvies in a series of excellent PaddyPower adverts from a few years back, who looked terrified when the likes of Des Walker and Bruce Grobbelaar turned up unexpectedly in their houses and being weird.

In the utterly shite Skeletor advert for MoneySupermarket everyone's in on the very naff joke; in the terrible Top Cat / Scooby Doo Halifax adverts no-one ponders why cartoon characters want a mortgage or a current account or whatever the fuck they're going to the bank for. What are they good for? A yawn, a shrug or vague irritation.

But the Schwarzenegger PPI advert has the courage of its convictions. All the participants are actually frightened - and being angrily berated by an animatronic Governator. And so are we.

Yes there are adverts out there designed to irritate and annoy us - this website is devoted to them. But to have the balls to deliberately shit up your audience and shout in their faces? Bravo, FCA, bravo. I take my hat - if not my head - off to you.

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Whatever else you might think of Spandau Ballet and their enduring, um, ballet True it's a fairly calming piece of music. Which makes its interruption with some shocking jolts of speedcore thrash electrifyingly unpleasant in this new advert for Virgin Trains, which attempts to juxtapose the misery of a car journey with the unfettered nirvana of paying £879 for a return ticket to London, probably.

I like trains, but absolutely no-one is convincing me that - in the majority if situations - jumping in the car isn't a more pleasant commuting experience than getting the train. Not only that, it's massively cheaper too, the cost of modern train travel being one of the enduring myths of our time on a par with the apparent popularity of Russell Howard.

In this regard the cognitive dissonance between how train travel is presented - sipping a coffee in a deserted carriage while bucolia flashes by outside at 200mph - with the cramped, grinding reality of standing-room only misery would be laughable if it weren't so depressing. Every train journey I've endured recently has consisted of desperately trying to get a signal on my phone so I didn't have to stare right into the face of a stranger three inches from my own and trying to ignore the smell from the toilet.

On the flipside, while I don't enjoy commuting I get a great deal out of driving cars in my own time. I like the freedom, the time alone with my thoughts, radio or a podcast, the comfort. And I like the door-to-door nature of it. It's easier, it's cheaper - and it's much more affordable than our shambolic, privatised and cripplingly expensive train network. If anything the misery of modern train travel reminds me of the pneumatic drill of relentless 200bpm audio apocalypse. Take the car Valerie, at least you can listen to Pop Master.

The post Crimes Against Music: Virgin Trains Spandau or Speedcore appeared first on AdTurds.

I don't have a lot to say about this, other than remark on the astonishing amount of air time devoted to this lady's bottom in an advert currently airing for holidays in Jerusalem / Tel Aviv.

Leaving aside more contentious issues about holidaying in Jerusalem et al, it all looks rather lovely. That is, if you're able to drag your eyes away from this young lady's lovely bottom.

I must say I barely noticed that the lady in question, dragging you around bits of the country with her come-hither eyes, has a remarkable access-all-areas pass that allows her walk through restaurant kitchens - smiling at a grill - and jump queues at will.

Aside from wondering whether it's such a good idea to display the word WIND right next to said arse, I was staggered by the ubiquitous appearance of this actress's derriere. Apart from the last series of Piers Morgan's Life Stories, has there ever been such a high concentration of arse seen on television in recent year?

You might suggest that its hardly avoidable to show so much rump on-screen, given that she usually has her back to us, but there's scarcely a shot that doesn't manage to find room for her butt. And if you think this is a coincidence you probably also believe the NHS is going to be £350m richer every month after May 2019.

So, yes, it's all rather shameless - and very bottom-heavy. Don't believe me? Never fear - I have painstakingly recorded the many shots of this Israeli bum for, er, posterity. Well, it is a lovely bottom.

Oh, there's a shot of her chest at the end too.

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Have you noticed how many annoying dogs there are in television adverts there are these days? Not only that, they're some of the most annoying creatures on television and the only reason they're not more annoying that Katie Hopkins is that these dogs haven't learned to tweet vile hatred all over social media yet. Say these Clearscore adverts, for example.

The Clearscore adverts started appearing in 2016 where a man who can only hear his dog - it says 'What doing?' all the time and is called Moose - checks his credit rating and nods in appreciation. His wife seems to openly despise him and appears unaware that her husband is having clandestine conversations with the family mutt.

There are lots of very strange things in these adverts. They're shot like miniature horror films, as if there's something unsettling under the skin of this scene of domestic mundanity. Why can't the woman hear the dog?

Why does the man obsessively check his credit score, as if he's going to clear out the bank account when the time is right and stage his own death? Why is the wife monotone, listless and usually lethargic, almost as if she's being slowly poisoned with antifreeze?

And where has the wife gone by the final Clearcore advert, a sort of deliberately-embarrassing piece of EDM? Is the epilogue to this a spot where Moose asks his owner, busying himself with a spade and suspicious looking shape under a tarpaulin, under the cover of darkness, one last time: "What doing?"

We don't know, but probably.

With all the initial lots variously in a shallow grave, bottom of canal and nuts deep in teen prostitutes on Khaosan Road, there's a whole new family in 2017's Clearscore adverts - like when there's a new series of American Horror Story but it's basically the same old gory trash but with a set of slightly different characters.

This time there's another couple who haven't fucked each other for half a decade and a weird-voiced, annoying animal that again seems to vaguely creep out its owners. Whereas Moose the Dog displayed a weird co-dependendency this one's openly psychopathic: a ginger car called Flearoy that wants to own everything.

The important question in all of this is simple but hard to ignore: why? The annoying wannabe-meme approach makes a horrible kind of sense for price-comparison sites and betting companies - stuff that can be readily associated with LOL! and Banter!

But the intricacies of personal finance? Is the aim to associate the brainless wittering of people who repeat advertising catchphrases with actually going online to check your credit score? I'm not convinced.

Something totally random? Sure, why not. Here's a kid boggling at a pineapple and demanding answers of his stupid Dad.

I have no answers, merely verbiage. Maybe advertising has got to that point where the content of a 30-second spot simply don't matter as long as you say the brand name and your keyword phrase of choice a few times.

Perhaps we'll see a new series of Blake's 7 played out in the next set of adverts for Barclays or Warburton's will simply feature that wanker who runs the business actually inserting his doughy penis into a thick white Toastie loaf for the sheer hell of it.

I don't know any more, I just don't know.

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What, there's such a thing as Halloween adverts now? For 'party food' and kidult entertainment and the kind of clothing, masks and other shit that is designed to be bought, worn once and thrown away. Yup, Halloween adverts are a thing alright.

Where next? Pentecost adverts? Clock Going BACK adverts? Cupcake and Cunnilingus Day adverts? Advertising is great at finding new reasons for us to buy stuff - we do rejoice in an era of the Afternoon Snacking Market, for example - and Halloween is just another reason to convince people to buy pointless junk.

Think I'm overstating this? Google 'classic Halloween advert'. There is the odd one, all American. There aren't any old British Halloween adverts because Halloween was a hollowed-out turnip and some kids at your door wearing their nan's old coat in exchange for a toffee. Women dressed like tarts? Adult Halloween parties? Halloween Tesco adverts? These things never happened in the recent past.

My brother told me that some of his students - people who are legally allowed to vote - hugged and wished one another 'Happy Halloween' on 31st October. Think that's fucking ridiculous and kinda depressing? Well blame advertising.

However a relatively new element driving the commodification of every single area of your life is the rise and rise of social media celebrities, bloggers and vloggers - all of whom are desperate to make money or at least get free shit from covering every conceivable aspect of a brand's marketing activities.

Look on Youtube and Instagram, to name but two, and there are dozens of videos and images about some pictures the supermarkets have released of biscuits that look like ghosts, cakes that look like ghosts and various other foodstuffs designed to make your kids' teeth fall out of their mouths several years early.

Here's an example where a young man who sounds halfway between bored and constipated drones through a few sort-of facts and 'I can't remember' costs relating to some plasticky shit that Morrisons is selling, with precisely three pictures of said shit and a voiceover that sounds like a hostage reading a transcript against their will.

Here's another and it's not without skills on show but get past the adverts and the CGI intro and you have someone walking around a supermarket literally describing what they're seeing, wielding a vocabulary that probably doesn't reach three figures.

I watch these with feeling that include but are not confined to pity, contempt, annoyance and genuine wonder. Above all, however, a feeling of unease that something has gone wrong. It's bewildering to me seeing the way people react to adverts for Halloween, the utter crap that we're encouraged to buy and the uncritical way people appear to lap it up.

And then we have these mindless, weirdly popular, blogs devoted to getting free bits of plastic and discussing them with the descriptive powers - and stamina - of a bison. Supermarkets have become our bingo halls, pubs, libraries, holiday destinations - and now even workplaces. It's as if the physical, mental and conceptual limits of these people extend only to their nearest Tesco.

This is what is truly terrifying about Halloween these days - the pointless and quite appalling consumption of plastic, nylon and sugar that has been elevated to the closest thing to employment many of these bloggers will ever get.

And what will they have to show for it? For all the baroque, sensual and thrilling pleasures promised by Halloween marketing they show us shaky videos of them turning over baubles as if they were arcane artefacts in their overlit asylums, full of people haunted by how utterly mundane it is, in a perfect evocation of their lives.

And their sad homes, temples to stuff, packed full of orange textiles, green plastic and pumpkins because Halloween.

Our planet has been turned into a giant machine for creating junk and when we are all gone the monument to the human race will be a plastic cauldron atop the biggest construction humans for which humans will ever be responsible. A towering pile of shit.

Happy Halloween.

Halloween adverts

A rundown of what appears to be Halloween adverts season.

Asda Halloween advert

Asda - feed your kids enough Halloween food shit and something like this will probably happen to them.

Sainsburys Halloween advert

An insane clown mask with a load of exposed chest cavity details? Why not go the whole hog and have a Fred West outfit?

Lidl Halloween advert

Lidl, where cheap shit is even cheaper than usual.

Aldi Halloween advert

The Aldi Family. In fairness I have visited Aldis that looked less inviting than Cemetery Lane.

Tesco Halloween advert

Throw a party for your awkward friendless kid this Halloween. If you don’t you’re a bad parent, but not in a Morticia Adams way.

The post Halloween Adverts appeared first on AdTurds.

There's something very endearing about this Premier Inn advert, which nicely subverts the genre of crap hotel chain adverts by essentially admitting that it's cheap, you use it for work and it's fundamentally one of the most crushingly mundane things you could ever do.

Compare and contrast to the effort for Travelodge that featured puppets signing a song about how utterly amazing the whole experience was.

I found it vaguely irritating but more than that I just didn't believe any of it for a second. When I have stayed in these places it's because I wanted something on the axis between cheap and convenient, probably for work and almost certainly for as little time as possible.

Where this Chapman & Steele advert succeeds is in basically acknowledging that fact - even going so far as to showing these two reps sharing a room on the company tab, straightening their ties ready for a meeting where they will attempt to sell 4,000 printer cartridges wiper blades to a medium-sized marketing company on an industrial estate in Swindon and revelling in an unlimited breakfast - probably costing £17.99 - that they will claim the exes for.

The crapness of Chapman & Steele as 70s-style buddy cop detectives is referenced in several places and using The Heat Is On by Glenn Frey - probably best known as part of the soundtrack to Beverly Hills Cop - is irresistible. It appears they drive a Ford Mondeo too which is just about perfect.

Also the introduction of Assistant Operations Manager Ross Mallard, apparently a real person though the name couldn't have been more apt, is a lovely little touch. Ross once lent his belt to a customer who had forgotten his own. Is he a baddie? Boss? Informant? Or does the metaphor not stretch that far? Either way I like the conceit.

And the way this Premier Inn advert is filmed is the icing on the cake: the splitscreens, the endless zooms, the slo-mo/freeze frame captions. It looks like everyone involved had fun with it and if you're making an advert for something fundamentally boring, cheap and rather crap then why not. I await the inevitable Chapman & Steele sitcom on Dave.

Needless to say I have no intention of ever staying in a Premier Inn ever again.

The post Premier Inn Advert: Chapman & Steele appeared first on AdTurds.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone? I mean no-one ever liked Thomson that much - holiday companies aren't fundamentally loveable things - but this TUI advert heralds a rebrand gone so hideously and immediately wrong it's not so much a shot in the foot but detonating a small thermonuclear device in your own face.

That name eh? TUI, a piece of meaningless pan-European blah that seems designed simply to irk people (compare with Opal Fruits / Starburst) and has no resonance with anyone in Britain - apart from the intense hatred it has instantaneously generated.

I'm not generally a fan of rebrands - instigated in neatly every case by some arsehole who wants to put his or her stamp on a company and demonstrate to their superiors that they can Get Things Done to the annoyance of virtually everyone. And for every success story such as Dave (previously a mishmash of meaningless alphanumericals) there's a Consignia: a pointless Latin-ish retitling for no reason that seems hellbent on shedding any positive associations and replacing them with apathy or outright hostility.

Consignia was, of course, previously Royal Mail and spent a few years labouring under the quite hideous name before another expensive rebrand was probably commissioned so that someone could earn a million quid by suggesting a return to Royal Mail.

Little chance of a return to Thomson I expect as multinationals seem determined to believe members of the general public are completely unable to comprehend one company being owned by another. So we have to have a rebrand. And what an utter turd it is.

First of the very sound of TUI is just smug. And the whole thing of making an abbreviation into a noise just seems so pleased with itself. Not to mention the caps. In fact, I'm never going to cap up the brand ever again. It's either tui or T.U.I. Also tui rhymes with pooey, gooey - nothing you'd want to be associated with, which is exactly what will happen when disgruntled customers start cropping up on your social media feeds.

As for the advert itself, dear Lord. Let me count the ways I hate it:

• A tui production. Fuck off.

• That humming. Fuck RIGHT off.

• That piano. You're taking the fucking piss now.

• The winsome average-unthreatening-voice-with-little-vibrato-trill that always sounds like it's going to break into a laugh so beloved of people who create adverts. It must be the smuggest noise ever invented and it's more unwelcome in my home than Andrea Leadsom.

• Ain't Nobody. Chaka Khan is amazing. The LL Cool J version is amazing. This stinks like shit.

• No we can't get you there any quicker you fucking weirdo, you're on an aeroplane.

• CGI dancing crabs. May be small beer to you but mass tourism is one of the greatest enemies of plant and animal life going right now. "Ain't nobody - destroys ecosystems like you," more like.

• The mass dance at the end like it's a sodding musical. Just stop.

• We dot the Is, cross the Ts and put U in the middle. Right, you're for it now...

• Discover my smile? I've become very well acquainted with my frown as a result of your horrible advert.

• How about another two weeks? Is that all you've got after that 90 seconds of 'will this do' boilerplate crap?

tui, there certainly ain't nobody who can fuck up a rebrand like you. I'm going out a limb given there are several weeks to go but I'm fairly sure you've just sewn up 2017's worst advert of the year gong. Some going for a company that's about two weeks old.

The post TUI Ain’t Nobody Advert appeared first on AdTurds.

So Elbow have graduated to John Lewis Christmas advert levels of fame, loveableness and National Treasure status. They're doing a cover of The Beatles' Golden Slumbers in the latest version of John Lewis' festiva Agent Orange assault on Britain's airwaves, involving a blue monster called Moz who oh who gives a flying fuck.

I'll be honest with you, I'm losing this battle. Every year I come up with a new mode of attack on the John Lewis Christmas advert and every year they remain impassive - and then go ahead with another multi-million-spunking, heartstring-tugging bottom-lip trembler of an advert whose rough notation goes SAD-SAD-HAPPY-BUY AN EXPENSIVE BAR OF SOAP FOR SOMEONE YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE.

It's like someone smiling as you insult them, someone impervious to your irritation who keeps doing something irritating, a zombie that doesn't know it's dead. Every year John Lewis rises, yawning from its annual January - November dormancy and farts another 120 seconds of vastly expensive guff into the Twittersphere.

"Oh it's just a bit of fun," you say. No it isn't. It's a wholly predictable photocopy of last year's effort that only garners attention because the concept of John Lewis Christmas advert has generated a momentum of its own, giving lazy journos, hapless vloggers and doomed bloggers something to write about when they should be doing something more fruitful, exciting, life-affirming. Hell, just something.

Aww, the #JohnLewis Christmas advert left some of our presenters in tears @CharlotteHawkns @RichardAArnold @benshephard @kategarraway pic.twitter.com/e2hDHzvYgt

— Good Morning Britain (@GMB) November 10, 2017

None of this could happen without social media because, frankly, adverts just aren't that exciting, interesting or noteworthy. But Twitter and Facebook are full of people sharing the new John Lewis ad. Why? It's a genuine question. Just ruminate on that for a second. Habit, tradition or - more likely - obedience.

Share this stuff, some massive brand says. And we share it. I find that sinister and the full ramifications of this have become clear in the last two years when it's become very clear that it's extremely easy to motivate people to share your messages for lots of different reasons.

Give someone a message, a short video or a meme to share that gives them feels and you're laughing, whether your ultimate goal is to encourage them to buy an expensive pepper grinder or, say, propagate racial hatred.

So I blame John Lewis for its small part in demonstrating to lunatics, fascists and racists how easy people are on social media to manipulate.

Here's a tweet from Kate Lawler, someone who is most famous to me for being on Big brother in 1973, where she dutifully hashtags and @s the living shit of the new ad.

I don't know what excites me more..... Hearing @Guy_Garvey and @Elbow on the #johnlewischristmasadvert or that #MozTheMonster isn't as scary as we all thought he was going to be..... https://t.co/715nxVz6CM

— Kate Lawler (@katelawler) November 10, 2017

Is she being paid for this. And if not, why is she sharing this crap?

And newspapers. Newspaper promoting free advertising that ensures they won't get a cut of any of that advertising cash in the hope that the clicks and bumper ads they stick in front of the John Lewis ad somehow makes up for the fact they're slitting their own throats. Thank God we have the newspapers and their desperate, breathless cheerleading for a company that has learned to bypass them completely.

The whole thing has become almost cultish. A refusal to join in with the Christmas Spirit - now indicated by John Lewis firing a starting pistol (probably costing £199) - reminds me a little of the fury directed at those who choose not to wear a poppy, for wholly legitimate reasons.

For me the arrival of the John Lewis Christmas Advert is a totem for easily led people are - and how willing to submit themselves to groupthink they are. But let's not worry about that, there's a John Lewis advert to be shared.

Here it is, our 2017 Christmas ad #MozTheMonster pic.twitter.com/c7qPyD9ICE

— John Lewis (@johnlewisretail) November 10, 2017

The post 2017 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Moz The Monster appeared first on AdTurds.

So it's come to this. A John Lewis Christmas Advert rundown...

2017 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Moz The Monster

 
I'll be honest with you, I'm losing this battle. Every year I come up with a new mode of attack on the John Lewis Christmas advert and every year they remain impassive - and then go ahead with another multi-million-spunking, heartstring-tugging bottom-lip trembler of an advert whose rough notation goes SAD-SAD-HAPPY-BUY AN EXPENSIVE BAR OF SOAP FOR SOMEONE YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE.
 

2016 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Buster The Boxer

 
I don't hate Christmas. I love Christmas, but I don't need a supermarket to fire a starting pistol for me and tell me how I'm supposed to feel about it. We live in an age where, apparently, we don't like people telling us what to do. Unless that involves a department store using a computer-generated animal to make you go shopping and post soppy scrap all over Facebook celebrating your compliance with an advertising message. Go on, do your duty. Go and share the John Lewis advert on Facebook like the dutiful consumers you are.

2015 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Man On The Moon

 
Ah, #manonthemoon - the true meaning of Christmas. Vile emotional manipulation filtered through the prism of unfettered capitalism, masquerading as a kindly old spinner of yarns. If the festive period isn't for assuaging your guilt by shedding a tear at this annual emo-porn debacle, then I don't know what is.
 

2014 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Monty The Penguin

 
You could set your clock by John Lewis adverts - not simply by when they turn up, but exactly what ingredients and in what order. It's an equation, refined and reduced by lots of cash, but an equation nonetheless, designed as dispassionately and as calculatedly as engine mapping on a new car. Weep and you weep at maths.
 

2013 John Lewis Christmas Advert: The Bear and the Hare

 
I could come up with something like that in 30 minutes if I had a strong cup of tea and pack of Jaffa Cakes. Animals, sadness, snow, anthropomorphism, love. Shake them up with some nice visuals and a cover of a sad song and you've got something that's as easy to put together as pound cake. And a good deal more bittersweetly nauseating.
 

2012 John Lewis Christmas Advert: Snowman

 
We all know the form by now. An effort that is fairly explicitly trying to make you cry. A precision-guided Cupid's Arrow aiming to shatter your emotional aorta and cause a blockage of sludgey mawk in your left ventricle. A psychological heart attack in advert form. In this one a snowman - bereft of a comedic genital carrot fetches some gloves for his missus (also a snowperson, but with no snowtits in evidence), requiring a massive trek across, apparently, a bit of England that resembles the Alps.
 

2011 John Lewis Christmas Advert: The Long Wait

 
It seems to be John Lewis' modus operandi to make viewers cry these days, with their ads ploughing a fairly shameless furrow that seems to work for them. Next year's advert will apparently feature a sickly kitten being stroked in front of an open fire by Terry Wogan for a full 120 seconds, while Gary Jules' Mad World plays in the background.
 

The post All The Fucking John Lewis Christmas Adverts appeared first on AdTurds.

I haven't done these for a while because most search terms are hidden from sight these days, in case websites start picking up on your predilection for Big Tits Ebony Cumshots, or suchlike. But they remain a fascinating, amusing and occasionally disturbing insight into what people are thinking and how they use the internet.

As I've said before people lie all the time, to everyone in their lives. But they don't lie to search engines, the modern-day portrait in all our attics. Here's a rundown of some that caght me eye, and some of my responses.

That people think these things is one, that they then bother to open up a search, type or speak it into their device and search for responses is fucking hilarious, sinister or tragic in equal measures.

I look at these terms and I think of the tweets that disgraced celebrities - Zoella and the ex-editor of Gay Times are reecent examples - having their horrible old tweets read back to them. And the alarm, disgust and horror writ large on the faces of people coming face-to-face with their own id.

That's what these search terms speak of: the unconscious mind. Simple brainfarts and mind splurges and inexplicable, troubling impulses: to hear Davina McCall saying the word 'cunt'; to look at the lady who plays The Admiral with no clothes on; to write the words 'fuck Uncle' into s search engine, presumably in some moment of listless sexual curiosity.

I guess in this way this is the closest thing you'll get to an AdTurds Q+A. Don't have nightmares.

• adam richman . is he in vipoo ad
I'm pretty sure he's not but I can't think of many better candidates for an advert where your shit stinks than a man famous for eating industrial quantities ot Mac'n'cheese.

• admiral girl nude
I can't help with this, but you may enjoy THIS

• adturds feminism
I'm in favour of it.

• andrew castle is a cunt
I just wanted to include this one.

• andrex washlets are they flushable
No they are not, according to everyone apart from Andrex.

• annoying nationwide advert 2017
You may enjoy this.

• are people on toothpaste adverts really dentists
Apparently so, though the civvies are often played by actors.

• are the goats in the hsbc ad really up the tree
Yes, according to this post on Facebook:

• ban strutters v builders
Something even a search engine cannot achieve.

• beagle street advert chavs
Not sure what Beagle Street was going for with its adverts but I'm guessing it wasn't 'chavs'

• buzzcocks mcdonald advert
A search term that continues to pain me.

• camilla arfwedson feet
Can't help with this one.

• cheeky volvic
Ugh. One from the archives.

• cheryl baker naked
This remains of the most unerringly (and bafflingly) popular search terms on AdTurds. (To figure out how and why I searched for this term and discovered that there are people on the internet who believe that Cheryl Baker shot a topless scene in the film Die Hard.)

• cheryl bakers tits
There we go again.

• chris kamara advert awful terrible bad
Awful terrible bad bearely scratches the surface of anything Chris Kamara is involved in as far as I'm concerned.

• davina mccall saying cunt
I'd like to think such a video exists.

• does mo farah advertise uncle ben
No, he advertises Quorn.

• does the girl advertising admiral insurace have a funny eye
I don't think so. Though the character does have DISTURBING SEXUAL TENDENCIES.

• dreadful andrex advert
These advert were truly hated in 2017.

• ed sheeran banal
Incredibly grateful to see the 'b' in this search term

• fuck off go compare
Do people think that by typing something into this into a search it might happen? And how long until someone figures out how to offer that service?

• go compare fat fucker adturds
Poor Wynne Evans, the man behind Gio Compario. In real-life he's not that fat as it goes...

• how creepy is kevin bacon in those adverts?
Extremely. CLick here for more: MOLERAT.

• hugo boss is a cunt
I can't comment on the veracity of this but, given he was a supporter of the Third Reich, he probably wasn't a megadude.

• hungry house advert asian gay
An unusual reading of this advert.

I hate...

The 'I hate' section is always a good barometer of which brands' adverts are particularly hated by readers. I'd say McDonalds, Nationwide, Lloyds, MoneySupermarket, GoCompare, Andrex, Haribo, Oak Furniture Land and Muller have been the main recipients this year.

• i hate andrew castle

• i hate oak furniture land

• i hate that fat turd james corden

• i hate the creepy harabo tv advert

• i hate the lloyds bank advertisement - why do we have to praise them?

• is adturds.co.uk run by a communist child?
Yes, this one.

• is it rob brydens real wife on the cruise adverts
This strikes me as unlikely.

• jade goody iceland
I don't think this was ever a thing but she would have been so on-brand for the Iceland of 2010, had she not been dead.

• james corden adturds
It pleases me that such search terms exist. And there are not inconsiderable - and growing - archives.

• kia advert nick knight 99% chance of rain
Seriously?

• kia bukkake
A baffling and confusing query.

• lesbian bdsm
A section I keep meaning to create.

• list of indian actors in tesco adverts
This is pretty disturbing.

• liverpool accent not good enough for tsesco advert
Uh?

• macdonaldspunkgirl
Only included because I first misread it as McDonalds Spunk Girl. Which, judging by some search queries, is exactly what many readers had in mind when it came to the girl in the punk advert.

• man child tesco advert
I think you're looking for Will Close, whose character in the Tesco adverts has obviously been murdered.

• mcdonalds whistle advert hate
One of my favourite search terms of the year - sounds like a Mark E Smith lyric.

• money supermarket .com skelltor ad do they wear suits
I would be enormously concerned if the man playing Skeletor was not wearing a suit.

• mr jackson the rapping teacher cunt
Mr Jackson sent me a nice message on Twitter, so while I still decry his adverts he seems like a nice man.

• opal fruits
The brand that refuses to DIE

• poo chute advert
I refuse to believe...

• renault crossover advert whats it about
Divorce.

• rice dildo
Not a practical solution.

• rob brydon advert tesco
Still Ben Miller.

• tesco advert freddie
Fred's dead baby, Fred's dead.

• the andrex adverts how true are they
If the adverts are about the washlets being flushable the answer is 'not at all'

• tom adams prick
I really liked Tom Adams.

• travel lodge wifi shit
I love these tiny, anonymous insights into the lives of strangers that search terms afford me. And it brings a tiny glimmer to my heart that someone trapped in a Travelodge with shit WiFi ended up on AdTurds.

• tv advert showing couple at orgy escaping in car
I refuse to believe such an advert exists.

• vipoo advert
The most poular search term of the year, barring various iterations of 'adturds', 'shit adverts', 'annoying adverts' and 'terrible adverts'

• voltarol tennis advert
A bizarrely popular search term.

• we're putting cum inside m&ms ad
Nope. No idea.

• wearing top naked from the waist down
There's a scene featuring Julianne Moore from Short Cuts you're going to love.

• what idiot came up with that ad in your so money supermarket
Someone at Mother who probably earned a million's quid's worth of cocaine.

• whats the character name of the tesco carritt man?
I don't know what this refers to, but The Carritt Man sounds like a Doctor Who baddie.

• when was the thank crunchie it's friday advert
Still gets a runout from time to time, as does the Milky Way advert. I approve.

• when watching film on tv it interrupts the program with a advert, whats wrong?
Boy have I got news for you.

• where did the hive advert singing bard get his guitar
A guitar shop?

• where does the arnie robot in the ppi advert come from?
This strikes me as a deep existential question. Perhaps a reminder that adverts are not real life would be useful at this juncture.

• who is fantastic guy from go compare
It's either Greg Wallace or David Yelland..

• who is that wanker on the direct line advert
You're not narrowing that down.

• who is the actress in the natwest /topcat advert
That's been bugging me and every time I see it I think she's the girl who played Rachel Jordache in Brookside.

• whos the woman on the iceland advert who had mental breakdown
If we're talking about Iceland adverts I suspect there are several potential candidates.

• why are all toothpaste ads the same with the weird camera movements
I plead the fifth on this one

• why did james corden change the saying in the confused.com advert
As with James Corden's motivation for virtually anything, I suspect the answer is 'money'

• why do in hyundia car adverts do people always smile
Why wouldn't you smile if you were in a Hyundai advert?

• why do people hate clean bandit
Because they're dreadful? And because of the Cortana advert.

• why do they use fucking northern accents in fucking adverts
Northern accents are more trustworthy.

• why do toothbrush adverts use actresses with false teeth
I refuse to believe... etc

• why do they use overweight people for confused .com.adverts
I'd be surprised to find out this was a deliberate choice.

• why is greg wallace/such a twat
Probably because he had to go that Go Compare advert.

• why is piers morgan such a cunt
For money. This is one of about a dozen queries about what a tosser Piers Morgan is.

• why tv adverts are bad
If I ever find I'll let you know.

There you have it. Alphabetised, sorted, curated and commented. And if you think some of them are bad you should have seen the ones I left out...

The post AdTurds Keywords: Poo Chute Advert, Kia Bukakke appeared first on AdTurds.